Freaking Out

I hate to get online just to freak out, but this has been a long time coming. I have been asked by so many people doctors nurse coworkers even my friends and family "how are you doing?" I know they really don't want to hear how I am. I am one step from the edge of my sanity. I can't sleep and I have been eating every thing not nailed down, I can barely stand to look at my child my eyes fill with tears every time she smiles, the phone rings and I jump out of my skin knowing its the doctor to tell me our 2nd look path is here and it's bad, having to live with the fear of what is waiting for us around the corner. What will she be going through in 3 months a year?? what if something happens and she's gone, I'm pretty sure that would be the end of me. Emily is my only child, by choice. After her father and I divorced I knew there would be no more even after I remarried my wonderful Ed I knew even though he wanted to try for one more I knew that my chances of having a child as special as Emily were astronomical so I avoid that discussion all the time and I've even thought of having a tubal just to put an end to that chance.

Emily's bio father lives in a different state and he seems concerned with how her dx will affect him!! Sure he came to the hospital where he was surrounded by my family who opened their arms to him and made him feel welcome, but as soon as surgery was over he fled home saying I have to work tomorrow--work tomorrow I've had to take a leave of absence without pay and he hasn't even paid his child support for a month, because things have been so hard for him!! I told him if he had the brain tumor then I would feel sorry for him, but since it is our 7-year-old daughter who was dealt such a sucky card he needed to fall in line and deal with it.

Have any of you guys ever felt that maybe your child being stricken with such a terrible thing has been a punishment from God, I try so hard not to think that way and to feel blessed that her tumor was found so early, by accident even, and that was truly a miracle, but why did this have to happen at all? Did I do something wrong?? Why couldn't I get the brain tumor, I certainly deserve it more than she does she's only 7 and she loves people and she loves God and has never questioned this. I try to believe that God gave her this to make her a strong person and who knows maybe she will be the one who finally finds the cure and puts an end to all this pain and suffering that so many families have to face. Ok I guess I'm done with my freak out for now, time to dry my eyes and get on with the day. I thank God that I found this group-people who will understand what I am going through. May God bless us all.

[Editorís note: Names of individuals have been changed for privacy.]