Freaking Out - Response
Ok..so Number one..don't ever feel you have to apologize to me..or to most everyone else here in this group for venting..or sharing your true feelings. We have all had days ..months ..even longer like this..and we are here to listen. In a very weird way it always makes me feel somewhat better to hear that others..in a similar situation to me are having the same difficulties. or fears ..or frustration. I guess it makes me feel more normal.
I have often written to this group about how frustrated it makes me feel that my friends don't really want to hear the truth. They ask how is it going..but they really only want to hear " oh fine thanks " . They don't want to know about the fight I had with my husband last night. They don't want to know that it was because I feel trapped..and I don't get to have positive things happen in my day. He comes home after being "away " from the chaos here..and I haven't even been away from it for a minute. Yesterday he was upset that I hadn't completed some errands. I was happy that I hadn't hurt anyone! He told me he was fed up with all the negatives..and that he needed it to be nicer when he came home. I LOST it. OK pal..that is my life. I get this nasty hot feeling in my neck and all over my face. I can tell that I don't even look angry but I must look devilish. I LOSE it all over him. He gets the entire blow by blow repeat of the day...........so I pick the princess up from Kindergarten..where she has saved all of her smiles and energy for her teacher and her teacher's aid..and she can't walk home. So..I try to force her to walk..so I can evaluate her gait..and see how the balance is. She has a breakdown..physical and emotional. I end up carrying her home. She is a little 5 year old..but at 6 1/2 months pregnant ..in 29 degree weather I am not up for the task..and I have to put her down several times. She complains. I get frustrated. I go to pick up my son from school.. after spending literally hours on the phone with social workers. occupational therapists and the like arranging the " beginning of the school year meetings. I have VENTED all over them and feel somewhat better..but also guilty that I gave them an earful. My son hasn't finished his daily work at school..'daydreaming ' again. No..he is stressed..and has anxiety issues surrounding having a little sister with a freakin brain tumor. I try to calm him down. No such luck. He cries all the way home. I am not carrying Carol at this point..my mind was clear enough to take her in her chariot. We have some quiet when we get home..until the fighting starts... I love it when the fighting is typical sybling rivalry..it makes me feel like a normal family. I have problems when the balance and health issues are the cause of the fights. We manage to get off to swim practice. Everything is going well until the fall in the changing room. We manage to get her well enough to go in the pool..and I sit with another mom and listen to how sick her child has been with a cold..and she isn't sure what she is going to do if it continues I laugh inside..a good belly laugh and then smile at her for lightening up my day. Poor sweetie has a cold. LOL. Must be horrible for her! I never want to be - little someone else's problems or stresses, so now I just make sure I enjoy them..and that the silliness of the issue makes things clear again for me. We come home...and then my husband gets home and I feel like a child who hasn't done thier schoolwork. There have been other issues..to many to go into detail about..the taxi being late to pick up the princess. the breakdown that her brother had because she was late and all of the "what if's " that surround her being late. The bully from down the street etc etc
My husband and I end up in different rooms..and we go to bed at different times. no I love you ..no snuggles for each other. He goes to bed with the kids and I stay up ...lol to 10 : 30 and try to relax enough to get to sleep I lie in bed until past 2 am ..angry that he is snoring and that it doesn't bother him that we didn't say goodnight ..or resolve anything before going to bed. 5:00 am..screaming from Carol. she is in our bed for the third time..and John is trying to tell her to stop screaming..and lie down. I am frustrated..and being selfish. Can't this kid give us one night where we are not up every 2 hours. Then .......she smashes onto the floor and starts to vomit. John and I jump out of bed..and go from selfish / complaining / negative fools to ...brain tumor parent mode. All is forgotten but Carol. We clean up. we comfort her. We all get back into bed..and try not to think about the "unexplained " vomiting. We fall back to sleep by 5:45..just in time to be woken by the alarm at 6 : 30. New day. Kisses all around. Lets start again. I take Carol to school with her brother in the morning..after I explain to the taxi driver (for the third time in two weeks) that she is in Kindergarten and that she doesnít go to school on Tuesday's or Thursdays !!!! She is still to weak to walk..so she is in her chariot without shoes. Five " well meaning people " ask her if she is tired this morning. She grunts and hides her face for the first 4 . On the fifth..she sits up ..and says.." I have a brain tumor..and I was throwing up this morning. I don't feel well..and I want to be left alone . " I smile at the lady, and give her a what else can we say shrug. Meanwhile I am cheering on the inside. Good for you princess..you tell them girl !
Thank you for venting..thank you for reminding me about the struggles of some of the rest of you. Thank - you to those of you who are grieving for sharing with us. It brings the reality back for me..and I try to stay on the right path. No I don't believe that God is punishing us for something and that this is why he gave our kids a tumor. I know that when I am alone I sometimes do go into the ' this isn't fair thing ' ..and feel pity . But I usually can remind myself that we all have our struggles and burdens. and that although I don't have as strong a religious faith as some people..I truly believe that whoever this God entity is didn't create the crisis..or the havoc. This force..this thing we Christians call God.. (and other faiths have different names for) is hear to help guide us through the stresses and the difficulties in life. We all have different ways of talking to " God" . Some of us pray in church..some of us chant or meditate. I think however it is that we use this force as a strength is what is most important. We all need to take from our personal faith what we can ..and use it to our benefit. I hope that I can continue to use all of you as an aid in this battle. I do complain sometimes., but I am learning that most people can't handle the reality of "our world " so we need to rely on each other. I want cancer to be predictable..or make sense ..or have rules . I have trouble with the fact that it doesn't. I am upset that my 7 year old son is anxious about his sister... that he understands too much about cancer..the side effects of chemotherapy.. about death. Man..I wish I had a magic wand!
Hang in there everyone...hugs to all.. and please keep using me to vent at..it helps me..more than I can explain.
[Editorís note: Names of individuals have been changed for privacy.]